


The Mail

by missdibley



Series: The Red Nose Diaries [57]
Category: British Actor RPF, Tom Hiddleston - Fandom
Genre: Conversation, Drabble, Existing Relationship, F/M, Henry V - Freeform, Paparazzi, The Daily Mail - Freeform, The Hollow Crown (reference), papped, the red nose diaries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-14
Updated: 2016-11-14
Packaged: 2018-08-31 02:15:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8559409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missdibley/pseuds/missdibley
Summary: As a rule, I don't write about pap pics of Tom. But some recent ones in The Daily Mail of him with some colleagues? friends? just got me thinking. And so I wrote this drabble. Enjoy.





	

“Car, I left my computer at home. Can I use yours? Just need to check my e-mail.”

“Sure, baby. It’s over there.”

“Is that  _ all  _ of your post?”

“Apparently. What the hell? I spend a week at your place, and I come home to an avalanche of mail.”

“Anything good?”

“If you consider holiday mailings from every high street shop you can think of…”

“I guess not, then.”

“Be right back, I’m going to take this out to the recycling bin.”

“Uh, Carmen?”

“Just a sec…”

“Hmmm.”

“What’s up?”

“I wasn’t prying…”

“Dude, anytime somebody says they weren’t doing something they totally were doing that actual thing.”

“The home page for your browser is the Daily Mail’s web site.”

“I like the recipes.”

“Carmen!”

“I can’t understand hard news. It hurts my poor little brain.”

“Says the woman who has had a subscription to The Economist since she was 18.”

“Well…”

“How did  that even happen?”

“I used to date a Young Republican in college.”

“Oh my god.”

“Anyway, I know it’s all bullshit but seriously? Incredible fiction. So creative.”

“Creative is a good word for what they do.”

“They really should be nominated for the Nobel Prize in literature.”

“I think that sound you heard was Ernest Hemingway turning over in his grave.”

“Sexist asshole.”

“Pablo Neruda, then.”

“That’s more like it.”

“But, Carmen. Truthfully.”

“Yeah?”

“Why…”

“It was my hate read. This summer. I’d only check it once a day for, well, you know.”

“Darling, come here.”

“No!”

“I’m sorry, but I must insist.”

“Whatever.”

“I must kiss you.”

“I’m still sick!”

“No, you’re not. And I must hold you, as well.”

“Fine.”

“Thank you, madame.”

“My pleasure. Is this seat taken?”

“My lap? It’s yours.”

“Thank you.”

“Mmm.”

“She looks nice.”

“She’s not…”

“I know. She just… she looks like the kind of girl you should be with.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Pretty. White. Not too thin — with those child-bearing hips.”

“Carmen.”

“And she’s an actual girl, or at least way younger than me.”

“Button…”

“And unlike Pool Noodle, she might actually know what to do in bed.”

“That’s mean.”

“No it isn’t!”

“How is that not mean?”

“It isn’t! I wasn’t trying to slut shame her! I’m saying if I’m gonna fuck somebody I’d like it to be someone who knows what they’re doing.”

“Well, now!”

“Oh lord…”

“I’m flattered.”

“Don’t be!”

“Too late.”

“Shuddup.”

“Are you blushing?”

“Asshole!”

“C’mere.”

“No.”

“Invite me to stay for supper.”

“Why?”

“Because if I’m going to shag you rotten in your cozy little bedroom over there, you’re going to need sustenance.”

“Pfft!”

“Is that a challenge?”

“Pfft!”

“I accept.”

“And what if I refuse you?”

_ “Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.” _

“Why do I get the feeling that this is not the first time you’ve used that line to chat up somebody?”

“You may be right…”

“Mmm? Watch those hands! Hahahahahaha! Mmm.”

“It may not have been the first time I’ve used that line, love, but I’m pretty sure it’s the first time it worked.”

“Ass!”


End file.
